SNL: Fey/Poehler as Palin/Clinton THE UNEDITED TRANSCRIPT

We have obtained, through confidential sources, the UNEDITED transcript of tonight's Saturday Night Live opening sketch:

FEY:
When I was told that Senator Clinton and I would be addressing you tonight...[audience laughs]

POEHLER:
And I was told that I would be addressing you alone...[audience laughs]

FEY:
Now I know it must be a little bit strange [audience laughs] for all of you to see the two of us together, what with me being John McCain's running mate...

POEHLER:
And me being a fervent supporter of Senator Barack Obama...as evidenced by this button (touches button) [audience laughs]

FEY:
But tonight we are crossing party lines to address the now very ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign...

POEHLER:
An issue which I am, frankly, suprised to hear people suddenly care about...[audience laughs]

FEY:
You know, Hillary and I don't agree on every...

POEHLER:
ANYthing. [audience laughs] I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.

FEY:
And I can see Russia from my house. [audience laughs, applauds, cheers]

POEHLER:
I believe that global warming is caused by man...

FEY:
And I believe that it's just God hugging us closer... [audience laughs, applauds]

POEHLER:
I don't agree with the Bush Doctrine...

FEY:
And I don't know what that is... [audience laughs, applauds]

POEHLER:
But Sarah, one thing we can both agree on is that sexism should never be allowed to permeate an American election.

FEY:
So please, stop Photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures... [audience laughs]

POEHLER:
And stop saying I have "cankles". [audience laughs]

FEY:
Don't refer to me as a MILF. [audience laughs, hoots]

POEHLER:
And don't refer to me as a flurch- I Googled what it stands for and I do not like it... [audience laughs]

FEY:
Reporters and commentators, stop using words that diminish us, like pretty, attractive, beautiful...

POEHLER:
Harpy, shrew...boner-shrinker... [audience laughs, applauds]

FEY:
While our politics may differ, my friend and I are both very tough ladies [audience laughs] ...you know, it reminds me of a joke we tell in Alaska...

POEHLER:
Oh boy... [audience laughs]

FEY:
What's the difference...

POEHLER:
Lipstick.

FEY:
between a hockey mom... [audience laughs]

POEHLER:
Lipstick. [audience laughs]

FEY:
and a pit bull...

POEHLER:
Lipstick. [audience laughs]

FEY:
Lipstick.

POEHLER:
There ya go. [audience laughs, applauds]

FEY:
Just look at how far we've come. Hillary Clinton, who came so close to the White House, and me, Sarah Palin who is even closer. [audience laughs] Can you believe it, Hillary?

POEHLER:
(sits with tight-lipped grimace, shakes head, no) [audience laughs] I cannot. [audience laughs]

FEY:
It's truly amazing and I think women everywhere can agree that no matter your politics, it's time for a woman to make it to the White House...

POEHLER:
(spoken as a two-year-old would say it:) NOOOOO! MINE! [audience laughs] It's supposed to be mine. [audience laughs] I'm sorry, I need to say something. I didn't want a woman to be President, I wanted to be President, and I just happen to be a woman.

And I don't want to hear you compare your road to the White House to my road to the White House. I scratched, and clawed, [audience laughs, applauds] through mud and barbed wire, (Fey makes gesture of cocking a lever-action rifle) and you just glided in on a dogsled wearing your pageant sash and your (Fey holds up imaginary rifle) [audience laughs, applauds] (shrill voice) Tina Fey glasses (Fey puts elbows on podium and strikes cutesy pose) and ... [audience laughs, applauds, cheers]

FEY:
What an amazing time we live in-- to think that just two years ago I was a small-town mayor of Alaska's crystal meth capital. [audience laughs] And now I am just one heartbeat away from being the President of the United States. [audience laughs] It just goes to show that anyone can be President...

POEHLER:
Anyone...[audience laughs] anyone... [audience laughs]anyone (laughs)

FEY:
All you have to do is want it...

POEHLER:
(cackles, laughs maniacally) [audience laughs] Oh my God. (laughs maniacally) Yeah. You know, Sarah,

looking back, if I could change one thing, I probably should have wanted it more. [audience laughs] (laughs maniacally again, tears piece off of podium) [audience laughs, applauds]

FEY:
So, in the next six weeks, I invite the media to be vigilant for sexist behavior...

POEHLER:
Although it is never sexist to question female politicians' credentials- please, ask this one (gestures toward Fey) about dinosaurs. [audience laughs a little] So, in conclusion, I invite the media to grow a pair. And if you can't, I will loan you mine. [audience laughs, applauds, cheers]


FEY:
And as we say in Alaska...

POEHLER:
We say it everywhere...

FEY, POEHLER:
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAAAY NIIIIGHT!


Personally, I thought it was great. Fey did Palin spot-on.

Poehler's Hillary wasn't quite as good as Fey's Palin, but then again, the physical resemblance wasn't quite so striking as Fey to Palin, either.

And it was almost even-handed- they got digs in at everybody.