SNL: Fey/Poehler as Palin/Clinton
THE UNEDITED TRANSCRIPT
When I was told that Senator Clinton and I would be addressing you tonight...[audience laughs]
And I was told that I would be addressing you alone...[audience laughs]
Now I know it must be a little bit strange [audience laughs] for all of you to see the two of us together, what with me being John McCain's running mate...
And me being a fervent supporter of Senator Barack Obama...as evidenced by this button (touches button) [audience laughs]
But tonight we are crossing party lines to address the now very ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign...
An issue which I am, frankly, suprised to hear people suddenly care about...[audience laughs]
You know, Hillary and I don't agree on every...
ANYthing. [audience laughs] I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.
And I can see Russia from my house. [audience laughs, applauds, cheers]
I believe that global warming is caused by man...
And I believe that it's just God hugging us closer... [audience laughs, applauds]
I don't agree with the Bush Doctrine...
And I don't know what that is... [audience laughs, applauds]
But Sarah, one thing we can both agree on is that sexism should never be allowed to permeate an American election.
So please, stop Photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures... [audience laughs]
And stop saying I have "cankles". [audience laughs]
Don't refer to me as a MILF. [audience laughs, hoots]
And don't refer to me as a flurch- I Googled what it stands for and I do not like it... [audience laughs]
Reporters and commentators, stop using words that diminish us, like pretty, attractive, beautiful...
Harpy, shrew...boner-shrinker... [audience laughs, applauds]
While our politics may differ, my friend and I are both very tough ladies [audience laughs] ...you know, it reminds me of a joke we tell in Alaska...
Oh boy... [audience laughs]
What's the difference...
between a hockey mom... [audience laughs]
Lipstick. [audience laughs]
and a pit bull...
Lipstick. [audience laughs]
There ya go. [audience laughs, applauds]
Just look at how far we've come. Hillary Clinton, who came so close to the White House, and me, Sarah Palin who is even closer. [audience laughs] Can you believe it, Hillary?
(sits with tight-lipped grimace, shakes head, no) [audience laughs] I cannot. [audience laughs]
It's truly amazing and I think women everywhere can agree that no matter your politics, it's time for a woman to make it to the White House...
(spoken as a two-year-old would say it:) NOOOOO! MINE! [audience laughs] It's supposed to be mine. [audience laughs] I'm sorry, I need to say something. I didn't want a woman to be President, I wanted to be President, and I just happen to be a woman.
And I don't want to hear you compare your road to the White House to my road to the White House. I scratched, and clawed, [audience laughs, applauds] through mud and barbed wire, (Fey makes gesture of cocking a lever-action rifle) and you just glided in on a dogsled wearing your pageant sash and your (Fey holds up imaginary rifle) [audience laughs, applauds] (shrill voice) Tina Fey glasses (Fey puts elbows on podium and strikes cutesy pose) and ... [audience laughs, applauds, cheers]
What an amazing time we live in-- to think that just two years ago I was a small-town mayor of Alaska's crystal meth capital. [audience laughs] And now I am just one heartbeat away from being the President of the United States. [audience laughs] It just goes to show that anyone can be President...
Anyone...[audience laughs] anyone... [audience laughs]anyone (laughs)
All you have to do is want it...
(cackles, laughs maniacally) [audience laughs] Oh my God. (laughs maniacally) Yeah. You know, Sarah,
looking back, if I could change one thing, I probably should have wanted it more. [audience laughs] (laughs maniacally again, tears piece off of podium) [audience laughs, applauds]
So, in the next six weeks, I invite the media to be vigilant for sexist behavior...
Although it is never sexist to question female politicians' credentials- please, ask this one (gestures toward Fey) about dinosaurs. [audience laughs a little] So, in conclusion, I invite the media to grow a pair. And if you can't, I will loan you mine. [audience laughs, applauds, cheers]
And as we say in Alaska...
We say it everywhere...
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAAAY NIIIIGHT!
Personally, I thought it was great. Fey did Palin spot-on.
Poehler's Hillary wasn't quite as good as Fey's Palin, but then again, the physical resemblance wasn't quite so striking as Fey to Palin, either.
And it was almost even-handed- they got digs in at everybody.